As you probably already know, I got pretty fired up a month ago when a bunch of white supremacists stormed the capitol building. It got me thinking about why people choose to not take action, even when action is so clearly needed and/or when they truly want to do better. In this case I’m not talking about the white supremacists, but the passive liberals who sit by in their shock and horror.

Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be another political rant [reeling it in now]…

I won’t claim to be a political or anti-racism expert - by any stretch - but as I sat in reflection after the events of January 6th, I realized where there is a BIG crossover between my work and the work of anti-racism, and there is one thing I can speak pretty expertly about:

EXCUSES.

For better or worse, I’ve become intimately familiar with the excuses people use to stay stuck where they are - and don’t get me wrong, I’m partially so familiar because I’ve used these all myself (and still do, at times…). But it was notable to me that the same excuses people use for not getting involved in a cause they claim to care about, are the same excuses they use for not starting a new workout, or eating healthier, or trying a new hobby they say they’re interested in. It’s these same sticking points that keep us, well, stuck, and not living our best life.

I thought I’d share them here, on the off chance that reading them shakes something loose for you, because after all as Liz Gilbert says:

"I've never seen any life transformation that didn't begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit."

So here we go…

EXCUSE #1: THE GOAL IS TOO FAR / HARD TO REACH

Well [sigh] you’re definitely never gonna get there if you don’t start! It’s easy to keep the end goal all BIG and DISTANT in our minds and let that be a reason to never start - we don’t see the connection between where we are now and where we want to be. It’s overwhelming, and we need a roadmap. Luckily, the roadmap lies in teeny tiny baby steps, and it starts right where you are. It’s not sexy and it’s not as satisfying to take teeny tiny baby steps so instead we either stay put, or try to leap straight to the finish line. We then fall short, and say we can’t get there (aw shucks, I guess I have to just stay here in my comfort zone). True dedication is in the patience of baby steps. #longgame

EXCUSE #2: I DON’T HAVE TIME

We all have the same amount of time in the day. I know, I know, easy for a single & childless & relatively privileged woman to say. Of course we all have different demands on our time, but at the end of the day we have time for whatever we MAKE time for. Read that again. There’s a whole “victim of my circumstance” thing going on here which I won’t get into, but if this one is you, I urge you to consider what your real priorities are and consider if there’s maybe 5-10 minutes of instagram scrolling you could trade out for, sayyyy, stretching in the morning.

EXCUSE #3: I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO START

This is perhaps the one that grates me the most, because it’s 2021 and we have google. You can research something without fear or shame or guilt, in the comforts of your own home. Now, I know the inter webs are a wild and crazy place with lots of information - some of it false - to sort through, but it’s a place to start. Start where you are, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. This one kinda overlaps into #4…

EXCUSE #4: I’M NOT AN EXPERT / IT’S NOT MY PLACE

This one is perhaps more nuanced, but I think a lot of it is wrapped up in our self identity and what we actually think we’re capable of. Remember you can be any kind of person you want to be, and to learn anything new you have to be okay with being a beginner first. Which means you might f*ck up, say the wrong thing, or look like an idiot in that hip-hop dance class. Everyone had to start somewhere. My good friend in Barcelona always says this about learning a new language (of which he’s learned many), “you have to be willing to speak like a toddler before you can speak like an adult.” Boom- thanks Brian.

EXCUSE #5: I’M NOT THE PROBLEM, IT’S EVERYONE ELSE

This one probably has the most depth to be dug into, because if you truly think that your pattern of dating unavailable men has nothing to do with you, you might not be ready for the truth. There’s guilt and shame and some deeply-held limiting beliefs to get through, and anyone who’s holding tight to the “it’s not me, it’s them” belief is probably more “the problem” than they could know. One of the first things I learned in my anti-racism journey is that I AM part of the problem, and me denying that or feeling bad about it was only halting my progress, education, and ability to make change. I think the crux here is that it’s probably not your fault that you’re part of the problem - it was most likely some programming you picked up in childhood or in society at large - so the sooner you can accept the role you play, the sooner you can move on.

Of course each of these in themselves could be their own blog posts, because I know I’m oversimplifying a bit here. But if any of this resonates, try catching yourself when you make these excuses to yourself and bring a little mindfulness and self awareness to the equation. If you really want to make that change, you’ll have to dig pretty deep, you’ll have to get a little uncomfortable, you’ll have to look at your shadows.

All said with love, respect, and appreciation for you being exactly where you are on your journey - because after all, that’s the perfect place for you to start.

And of course if you’re at that place of being tired of your own bullshit and are also ready to ask for help - let’s chat! This is what I do! I’m a little nicer in my coaching calls than I was in this post, but hey #toughlove when it’s called for.

xoxo,

m.