It's been a few weeks - how ya been? I was out in Colorado last week, strolling down memory lane, contemplating the path not taken, and catching up with old friends. I have a lot to reflect on and digest after such an incredible trip, and I'm trying to give myself space to do just that this week.
One thing that has come up and seems incredibly obvious now that I think about it is: I'm different. I think we're all a little different, of course, and yet we often strive to be the same. We assume the world knows better for us than we do for ourselves. We assume this pattern we're all supposed to follow will lead us to happiness, and that there must be something wrong with us if we're not rushing to check all the boxes. A lot of people get stuck on that track - it was the track I started out on, in my former life in Colorado.
I've watched people in my life struggle to find this balance: being different but striving to fit in. In my observation, if they could just let go and let themselves be all the way "weird," they'd be a lot happier, and the world would benefit from their gifts. Easier said than done, however, because I know I do this myself, too. It's like we allow ourselves to be different, but only in the ways that feel safe - the ways that have been pre-approved by society.
It makes sense, we don't want to stray too far from the pack because from an evolutionary standpoint, it means we might not survive. Back in the day we needed to stay with the tribe, anything that indicated we were different, weaker, or not going with the flow would separate us, and we couldn't make it on our own. There was safety in numbers. This is why we all have such a deep-seated fear of not fitting in; it's basic survival.
But nowadays, we're not gonna get "picked off" by a saber tooth tiger. Sure, we need community to thrive, and I'm all for not going it alone, but it's not the same life-and-death scenario as it once was. We're hardwired to care what others think, so how do we stop?
One of the most significant conversations I had over the course of my week in CO was with a friend of a friend - a woman I had met years ago, and am connected with on Facebook, and saw last week at our mutual friend's wedding. She came up to me and told me how much she loves my posts, how inspiring it is to see someone going their own way. I told her it meant so much, because it's not always easy. It's these reminders that keep me going, not just for the ego-stroke, which doesn't hurt, but it helps me see how important it is that we each be ourselves: in doing so we're giving others permission to do the same.
I've always cringed a bit at folks who are different just for the sake of being different. I wonder now if that cringe came from my own fear of straying from the pack. Typically, those who judge others are really judging from a place of envy - wishing they could do the same for themselves. When we see someone with a freedom we don't warrant to ourselves we think, "how could she?" "slut," "weirdo," "loser," "that's not gonna work out..." This is a great way to notice where your own blocks are, where you're holding yourself back. Who are you rolling your eyes at, and how are they expressing something you wish you could express for yourself?
Finally, the hardest part of all this can be trusting in your own vision for yourself. When all we've seen are the previously carved paths and well-established formulas to success, it can be hard to get our minds out of that thinking to see something different for ourselves. This is where it's so important to build a relationship with yourself, and learn to trust your inner guide. Remember it's okay to take a turn and have it not work out the way you planned. It's okay to do something for a little while, and then change direction. The timelines and markers for success are part of the formula that doesn't need to apply; make your own timeline, mark your own success.
What does success look like for you?
xo,
m.
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