The irony of this blog taking so damn long for me to write is that almost ALL I did inside my head for my ten days of silence, was write this blog. From the very jump I started taking mental notes and imagining how I’d describe the experience, well before I even knew what the experience would end up being. Before I left for the retreat I felt almost like I was going *so that I could* write about it. But then I came back and barely wanted to talk about it. While everyone’s curiosity was more than understandable, I grew tired of explaining it, because honestly, it’s pretty impossible to explain…
THE BACKGROUND
For me, this 10-day silent meditation retreat was nearly ten years in the making. I first heard about Vipassana in 2013 at a wellness retreat (yes, the one that changed my life) and knew I wanted to go someday. I literally wrote it on a bucket list, but knew I wasn’t ready. And for years, I felt not ready. It’s intimidating as f*ck! And kinda hard to schedule, because you have to apply really far in advance, not to mention take ten days out of your life and go off the grid. That said, the waitlist system really does work, as there were people at my retreat who got in just days or weeks before the retreat began. I’m more of a planner.
It was summer of 2022 when Vipassana, and specifically the well-known center in Western Massachusetts, was mentioned on one of my favorite podcasts. It felt like the nudge I needed to finally apply, and so I did, for Spring of ‘23. It was the next one opening for application and I set a reminder in my calendar to apply as soon as it opened - they fill up immediately. I got an email not long after, asking for more info, and a phone call after that. I was in if I wanted to be. I still had several months before confirming, and so I kept telling myself I could back out.
Even once I confirmed, I reminded myself I could bail. And then I got one carpooler (the website helps you pair with people looking for rides), and then two, and then three. I felt more locked in, but still, figured I could bail. I could drive them up, and if I had to leave, I’d come back to get them. Maybe I’d hunker down in Boston for a few days? This constant “exit ramp” planning helped me stay calm about going. I knew I wanted the experience, but was worried about my anxiety, mostly. Also, the food - I heard they don’t serve dinner?!?
A CHECK-IN
Here’s where I explain my shift in thinking a few days into the retreat, about writing this blog. I know that I would have read every last morsel of information I could have before going, as I felt a little blind going in. And I will tell you ALLLL the things. But I want you to ask yourself: do you really want to know? For me, I think there was some value added to the experience by not knowing everything beforehand. I’m not going to talk here about the meditation technique itself (it’s nothing crazy), but more about logistics, which is what I would have wanted to know.
If you’re thinking about going on one of these but are unsure about reading through, here’s the TLDR: Just go. Sign up, and go. You’ll be fine. You’ll be better than fine. And yes, you can leave. And yes, they don’t serve dinner…
THE FOOD
Let’s start here because it was the thing I was the most nervous about. My anxiety kicks in when I don’t have enough food, so I packed lots of snacks (highly against the rules). I told myself I’d only use them if I really needed to, as I did want the full experience and trusted there was a reason for so little food. They serve breakfast at 6:30am (you’re up at 4am, more on that later), and lunch at 11am. You’re not supposed to eat after noon, but if you’re a new student you can have tea and fruit at 5pm.
For many people, this is fine. Your body adjusts, and you must remember that you are barely moving. You’re not allowed to exercise, and walking is minimal. You’re burning very few calories, and it’s uncomfortable to sit for hours in meditation with a really full belly. That said, they are not trying to starve you, and will give you more food if you need it!
I learned this fact on day 3, when I was starving and my anxiety was peaking. I went to the meditation instructor (one of two people you are allowed to speak to) and asked about the food. She said of course, we’ll get you more food! Sweet relief. Just knowing I could have more quelled the anxiety. I got rice cakes and peanut butter added to my evening snack, and I thought that combined with the protein bars I’d packed would be enough. It wasn’t. I went back on day 5 and asked for even more, and they gave me a tupperware to stash whatever I liked from lunchtime, to eat at dinner. By this time several others had done the same. Important to note: I have heard that other centers and/or instructors will not make this allowance. Maybe I got lucky.
The food is served buffet style and is all vegetarian. They label things that have dairy, wheat, and maybe some other common allergies, but in general they’re not making special food for you unless it’s dire. I tried to avoid dairy and gluten as I do in regular life but by Day 5 the mac and cheese felt like a gift from god. The food is okay, not great. It’s cooked en masse (there were close to 200 people on my retreat) by volunteers (more experienced meditation students who came back to serve), so you’re not getting anything fancy. Important to mention here the retreat is completely free to attend, so you really can’t complain.
Once I got more food half way through I felt totally fine, in that regard at least. And in fact I felt I was overeating, because at that point my metabolism had slowed down enough for lighter meals. It was interesting, though, how once that distraction was taken care of, the really deep shit started to come up in my meditation…
THE MEDITATION
You’re probably wondering just how much you actually meditate. It’s a lot. I don’t know why I didn’t really calculate this beforehand, but it’s roughly eleven hours a day. Yes, you read that right! But let me clarify: each sitting is one hour in length - you always get a stretch break after one hour - and there are about 4 group sittings (read: mandatory) each day. The rest of those eleven hours is made up of “meditate on your own” time, which means you can be in your room, or in the meditation hall, or somewhere else (there isn’t really anywhere else) and you could kinda be doing whatever. But there isn’t really much else to do. I used this time to nap, take a shower, do a face mask, stretch (yoga isn’t allowed), and eat my forbidden snacks. But mostly, I tried to meditate. I found it much harder to do so on my own, and somewhat preferred the structured time in the hall for accountability - even if it was a bit painful at times.
The hall is a large, dimly lit room, and worth noting it’s the only time the men and women share a space the entire time. The centers welcome everyone but unfortunately it’s a bit archaic in that everything is divided into “men” and “women,” so if you are non-binary you have to pick a side and be okay with this language being used throughout, which I imagine can be pretty uncomfortable if not prohibitive for some.
You are assigned a meditation cushion at the beginning, and that’s your spot the whole time. The instructors say almost nothing; the meditation is led via recording of S.N. Goenka, the original teacher who spread this technique all over, who is no longer alive. So you get him on recording, and the instructors just hit play. It’s a little odd, but you get used to it. Typically the meditations start with some chanting, and some verbal instructions - each day you’re adding a little more on to your technique - and then complete silence for the majority of the hour. At the end he chants some more, and marks the closing of the meditations. There were many-a-times I sat there just *willing* him to start chanting again to end the hour. You start to get pretty good at measuring an hour’s time without a clock. There are no clocks in the hall. You could, in theory, wear a watch (not a smart watch), but I wouldn’t recommend it - I’d just be checking it constantly, which I think would make it worse.
THE SITTING
Going into this just weeks after a diagnosis of two herniated discs in my low back, and years of consistent back pain, I was pretty worried about all the sitting. I had an interesting experience in this regard, and have heard from others something similar…
The first day is HELL. You are shifting and adjusting and trying to figure out your cushion arrangement. Everyone starts with one large flat square cushion, on which you can pile others. They have lots of different cushions and kneeling stools to mess with, and if you ask (and if the teacher approves) you can get a backrest. You can also request a chair, or to be moved against the wall for leaning. I got a backrest on day two, which made a big difference, but I was still shifting around a lot and struggled to stay in one position for the full hour. Which you’re not necessarily expected to do, until the last few days. I successfully did not move exactly one time.
My back pain was bad when I first arrived, and was terrible that first full day. But after that, it was mysteriously GONE. Like, more gone than it has been in two years while at home. Completely gone. I felt like I was in a new body. Strangely, it came back a day before we left; psychosomatic perhaps? This gave me a lot of information to work with my doctors on, and I’ve realized that all the walking I do (which I wasn’t doing while at the retreat) probably has a lot to do with my back pain. But the point is, I was fine with all the sitting, albeit pretty restless.
THE RULES
I mentioned earlier that there’s not really much to do besides meditate, and this is largely because of the rules. You are not allowed to read, write, talk (obviously), practice yoga or exercise. You can, of course, break these rules in the privacy of your own room if you like, and I brought a book and a journal just in case I went crazy, but I never actually touched them. I didn’t want to. And in fact, it took me a really long time (months) after coming home from the retreat to return to these habits (podcasts, too). They take your phone on day one (not when you first get there, but when things really start) so you don’t have that distraction (there’s no service at this particular center anyway, so it’s not worth stashing it). And I mayyyy have *stretched* the rules on yoga and exercise a little bit; mostly I was trying to keep my back feeling good.
You are allowed to walk outside during your breaks, about 3 times a day, after the meals. And this particular center has pretty decent grounds, although it’s still a relatively small area, and looks a bit like a looney bin with a bunch of pajama-ed women walking around in small loops, not speaking to or acknowledging each other (yes the outside area is divided by gender as well).
That’s another rule: don’t acknowledge the others. This was hard at first because you just feel rude walking by somebody without even a nod, but it becomes pretty normal. At times acknowledgement is necessary, like when two people approach a doorway and one gestures for the other to go first, or like when the girl sitting behind me in the dining hall spilled her drink in my direction and we cleaned it up together, twice.
You are not allowed to wear any tight or revealing clothing - I did think that some folks pushed the bounds on this, but I personally embraced the excuse to buy and wear a few different outfits of sweats and tees all week. I’d imagine it’s a little harder to do in the summer months, although you’re inside a lot. And for that matter, I don’t know if I’d love going in the winter months, because I was happy to get as much outside time as I could.
You’re barefoot much of the time, but you’re meant to bring some indoor slippers (can be actual slippers, or any shoes reserved for inside-only). I do recommend something that’s easy-on/easy-off because they’re on and off a lot. Or just thick socks.
You can’t touch anyone else while at the center, even after the course is over. So you have to wait to hug your new friends at the coffee shop down the road. And yes, even if you go with your partner, you can’t touch when you’re reunited on the last day. I broke this rule, mostly by mistake.
THE SCHEDULE
As the schedule is plainly listed on the website, I’m surprised I didn’t find this ahead of time and map out my days. I’m glad I didn’t, because the 4am wake up time may have deterred me. As a real night owl, I assumed I’d be up late no matter what, and there was no way I could get up at 4am!
And in fact, it was the second hardest thing (after the food) to adjust to in those first few days. They ring a gong at 4am, and another at 4:20. You are meant to be meditating at 4:30, and honestly I really enjoyed being in the hall at that time. While I had a sort of “bare minimum” attitude before arriving at the retreat, once I got there I felt all-in. I figured I was committing ten days of my life to this, I might as well get all there is to get from it. So the first few days I was in the hall at 4:30, but then had to take several naps throughout the day. I felt jetlagged; hit by a bus.
When I went to see the teacher on Day 3, this was the other question I asked her: is there a reason we’re supposed to be so tired? I thought perhaps there was some benefit to being in a weary state, breaking down defenses or something. No! She said, Sleep! The 4:30 meditation is optional. And then she said, in a sort of “girrrrrl wtf” tone, Is 3 hours of meditating in the hall each day not enough for you? I had to laugh, because when you put it that way it seemed pretty extreme. But I wanted to DO IT ALL.
For a few days after that convo I did sleep in til breakfast. But as the morning gong was waking me up anyway, and I enjoyed those early morning sits, I still was in that hall at 4:30 or 5am most days. And my need for napping dwindled as the days went on.
Turns out, a day full of meditating is pretty exhausting, so even my night owl self was completely knocked out by 9:15pm each night. I even got in the habit of washing my face and doing all my bedtime stuff before the final meditation, so I could slide right into bed when the daily programming was over.
To clarify on the nightly “discourse,” this is a one-hour video of S.N. Goenka, essentially delivering a dharma talk. It felt a little like movie time, the closest you’ll get to entertainment during your stay. He is refreshingly delightful, and even funny at times, and (cherry on top) you can sit in a much more relaxed way while watching (still not allowed to lay down in the hall, ever). It is in these videos that he (1) calls out the things you are thinking and feeling, and this makes you feel normal for being where you are in the process, and (2) gives you your next little bit of instruction, to add on to your practice each day. The rest of this is pretty self-explanatory…
4:00 am Morning wake-up bell
4:30-6:30 am Meditate in the hall or in your room
6:30-8:00 am Breakfast break
8:00-9:00 am Group meditation in the hall
9:00-11:00 am Meditate in the hall or in your room
11:00-12:00 noon Lunch break
12 noon-1:00 pm Rest and interviews with the teacher
1:00-2:30 pm Meditate in the hall or in your room
2:30-3:30 pm Group meditation in the hall
3:30-5:00 pm Meditate in the hall or in your own room
5:00-6:00 pm Tea break
6:00-7:00 pm Group meditation in the hall
7:00-8:15 pm Teacher's Discourse in the hall
8:15-9:00 pm Group meditation in the hall
9:00-9:30 pm Question time in the hall
9:30 pm Retire to your own room--Lights out
THE ACCOMMODATIONS
As of my retreat (Spring ‘23), the centers are still taking quite a few precautions for COVID: testing upon arrival, masks until day 5; another test on day 5, removal of masks if everyone is negative. I heard we were the first retreat to even have the option of mask removal. Among these precautions is private rooms. Typically, and I don’t know when they’ll go back, you might get paired up with one or more roommates. Although it looked like most of the rooms in this center were set up just for one anyway.
My original room assignment was in the lower level (aka basement) which gave me anxiety before the retreat even started. Luckily, I asked to be moved and there was exactly one room left open that I could take, and I ended up with a huge and centrally-located room. Others in the lower level actually liked it, as it was quiet and womb-like. I’m too claustrophobic.
You’re getting a twin-size bed on a super simple, handmade bed frame. Maybe a nightstand, and exactly 5 hangers to arrange your things. They tell you to bring an alarm clock, but they have extra. You get one fleece blanket, and one pillow, and you have to bring your own sheets (a good time to remind you this retreat is totally free). There is a “student use” closet with extra things in it, but nothing is guaranteed, so I recommend bringing whatever you think you might need. I was able to grab a thicker comforter, an extra pillow, a hair dryer, and more hangers. There’s no soap, or shampoo, or even towels, so bring your own. It’s pretty bare-bones, but it works. It’s actually kinda nice living that simply for a while. When you have nothing to do, you realize you don’t really need anything, either.
THE SILENCE
Funny to bury the main tenet of the retreat so deep in this post, but alas, here we are. The silence. What I would have liked to know is this: it doesn’t begin the moment you arrive, and it ends a day before you leave. That last part I really debated if I should even tell you, because I thought the silence went all the way up until the end and when I found out it didn’t it was like unwrapping a gift. I was counting the days towards the end, and finding this out on Day 7 moved the goal post that much closer. So I’m somewhat sorry for taking that fun surprise away from you.
Anyhoo, you have a few hours to settle in and meet your fellow-meditators before the silence begins with the first meditation that evening. I found this helpful as I made friends with the woman who was assigned the seat next to me in the dining hall, and although we couldn’t talk throughout the course, our budding friendship and proximity made things just that much easier. I also had driven up with 3 other women, so having them around was nice, even though we couldn’t look at each other, lol.
You are allowed to speak to two people at the retreat: the meditation instructor, and the course manager. The instructor is there to support your practice, and they’ll have sort of “office hours” after lunch each day. You can sign up for a short time slot and a private meeting; I spoke to mine every other day and found this hugely supportive. The course manager is there for your material needs; I asked mine for the backrest on day two, and she checked in with me on day six to make sure I was getting enough food. I asked her some questions towards the end as well, when no one else was around.
To be honest, this was the easiest part for me. I know, I know, this may be utterly shocking as I’m known for being quite verbose. But I loved it - the not talking, and the silence around me. You realize - there’s quite a lot going on in your head already! Hence the no reading, or writing, and why it took me a while to get back to those things. I wanted to hear what was already inside.
It’s important to note that I didn’t feel alone or isolated, because you have all these people around you going through the same thing. And it’s for that reason that when the silence lifts on Day Ten, there’s an insanely strong sense of connection and camaraderie, despite the fact you haven’t actually spoken. There’s a bond. For some, the sudden chitter-chatter is too much, and they have to ease back in. For others, they gobble up the opportunity to speak and communicate and share their experience and hear about others’.
I was more the latter, although in retrospect I could have eased in a bit more slowly. It’s funny to hear people’s voices and get to know them when you’ve sort of been making up a story about them in your head all week. The very first thing someone said to me when the silence was lifted was that girl who spilled her drink (not once, but twice) in my direction, shouting I’m so sorry! Followed by a good laugh.
THE EXPERIENCE
As I said at the top, I can’t really explain it. And I know it’s different for everyone, and it’s different each time. I’ll have to remember when I go back to release expectations. But I can outline my own personal experience as follows:
Days 1-3: Settling in, trying to memorize the daily schedule, figuring out the food, and how to sit for an hour at a time.
Days 4-6: Holy shit inner turmoil. Deep anger, sadness, and even some repressed memories came to surface, and I had nowhere to put it. Which is the idea - you have to face it. I remember one meditation in particular where I felt I was going to explode from the inside out. I imagined myself running out of the hall, busting through the door to outside, throwing myself on the ground and screaming. I didn’t do that. Instead, I clenched my whole body really tight until the energy moved through me. I wasn’t “fixed,” but I felt a little better. You learn to let things go.
It was during this time I also found a bit of clarity; I was able to see some of my own patterns, and see myself as others do. I started dreaming up plans for the future, and felt re-motivated in areas that had lost their luster. I struggled a lot with not being able to write any of it down!
Days 7-9: The false summit. You think you’re in the home stretch and you can just kinda coast to the end, but a few last little things come up to be worked through. You’re counting the days, the meditations, the “sleeps” you have left. An immense sense of pride starts to crop up - you did the thing you thought you could not do; although, I thought most seriously about leaving on the night of Day 8! But when I realized where that tension was really coming from, I had a good cry to let it go, and fell asleep.
Days 10-11: You made it. You can now talk, and it feels way different. You’re hanging out with friends. You can write- I spent hours writing down allllll the things I had tried to “save” in my mind all week. You start to clean your room and pack your bag. You’re so ready to go, but a little nervous to go at the same time.
When the final meditation on Day 11 (or Day 12, depending how you look at it) ended, I burst into tears. Pride, relief, gratitude. While on Day 5 I would have said I don’t ever need to do this again, by Day 10 I couldn’t wait to sign up again.
You learn all about the history of the center, and your options for moving forward as an “old student.” While you are only eligible for a ten-day course to begin with, you can now sign up for shorter courses (3 days) as well as volunteer opportunities: you can come back as a server on a retreat like this one, or come back in between courses and help clean and reset and sometimes even make repairs to the center. The entire thing is run on donations - nobody who works for Vipassana earns a paycheck, so it’s pretty incredible the sense of community that keeps it going.
I did immediately sign up for a short course (coming this September) and a volunteer weekend (did that over Memorial Day) - which was an incredibly different experience, but valuable nonetheless.
You learn about all the resources available to you (e.g. daily online meditations, local centers), and perhaps you, like me, feel compelled to keep up your practice at home. They recommend a morning and an evening sit (1 hour); I tried to do an hour each morning, and was successful for about two weeks. I set up a meditation space as soon as I got home, and while I don’t sit for an hour at a time, I do use the space for my daily(ish) meditation of 15-25 minutes.
I’m still in touch with some of the women I met while there, and oddly feel like an hour sit or a 10-day course is not that big a deal anymore. I look forward to doing a long course again, when the time is right :)
I hope I’ve given you all the info you could want here - drop any questions below as I’m happy to share more! As I said at the top, my overall recommendation is: definitely go. Release expectations, remember you’re not meant to suffer and you can ask the folks at the center for whatever you need. And of course, you can always leave (a few folks definitely disappeared a few days into my retreat), but it’s my guess that you won’t really want to.
Godspeed my friends, thanks for reading <3
