Somehow it's Thursday again. And somehow, it's been a whole year since I "accidentally" quit drinking. It feels almost requisite to do a post reflecting on this decision, except I hardly even feel like it was a decision as it kind of just happened. I want to share my thoughts, reasoning, and experience, because I know I was "sober curious" for years and perhaps, if you are too, this will be helpful...
For context, I was never a big drinker, but I was a frequent drinker. In my former life in CO it was standard to have 1-3 beers at home (alone) in the evening, and we had a stronnnng happy hour culture. I'd have girlfriends over weekly to crush bottles of red, and of course a heavy IPA was deeply imbedded into my apres ski routine. In those times it didn't even occur to me that not drinking was an option.
Then I had my wellness-awakening, and I started to pump the brakes. My lifestyle, and diet, was changing, not to mention I was getting older and couldn't hang like I used to. In the midst of that I dated a guy who was straightedge, meaning he'd never drank or done any drugs, and it intrigued me. While I was nowhere near ready to make that commitment myself, I found it refreshing to see that an adult could carry on a "normal" social life without drinking, and his matter-of-fact attitude about it made it seem like less of a big deal.
Then, and for several years, I dated a bartender. I learned to draw my boundaries early on: I don't do shots (bartenders LOVE their shots!), and I have a two drink max, 3 if I'm feeling saucy. I spent a lot more time in bars than I had been previously, so these boundaries were important. In the back of my mind my sober curiosity continued, as I saw direct links between my digestion, anxiety levels, and drinking. Still, it just didn't seem like a realistic choice for the lifestyle I was living. I was afraid of being "no fun" or "uptight," two things I already feel self-conscious about at times.
Jump to one year ago, February 2021: I hit a breaking point with my digestion problems. After years of discomfort and a strong effort to address the root of the problem - strict elimination diets and whatnot - I had a really bad week (spare you the details) and decided I just couldn't live like that anymore. I spent a day calling doctors of all kinds, and fate brought me to a nutrition response testing office here in NYC called Healing Arts. I'd hoped she could push on my arm and tell me what food(s) I'm sensitive to and that would be done. Whatever it was, I was ready to give it up, for the sake of my belly.
Well, it wasn't that simple. I was put on yet another restricted diet, and this time it included no alcohol. There was also no chocolate, and other things that feel necessary to surviving a pandemic, but that's another post. I accepted the challenge at first thinking it would just be a few weeks... maybe a few months...
Here's where the "accidental" part comes in: I don't even know when my nutritionist would have said I could drink again, because after a short while I didn't care anymore. It felt so easy and effortless to give up drinking, I was shocked. I wasn't going out much at the time, because - pandemic, but when I did I'd get seltzer. I found an NA gin that I love, and I make myself an NA gin & tonic almost nightly. I found that, much like other things like weed and coffee, I enjoy the ritual of the thing more than the physiological effect it has on me, so finding this substitute was more than sufficient. I will admit, however, the NA red wine scene has been disappointing.
I had a drink on two occasions in those first few months. My last night in California after an epic week I was staying at a cool hotel and had dinner with a friend. After that cocktail I mostly just felt like it was a waste of money ($18, geez) and not what I needed before boarding a plane the following morning. The second drink was after a dinner out here in Brooklyn, my friend came over for a nightcap and I was out of my NA gin, so I made us real gin & tonic's. I woke up early to teach yoga the next morning and had terrible anxiety. I've seen this pattern over the years, where drinking contributes to waking up with anxiety, so that was my final straw. It was all I needed to put the nail in that coffin as I felt no need to take that gamble again, and I haven't since.
Now, as I am with most things, I don't like to be restrictive. Very often I'll go out and think, maybe tonight I'll have a drink. I've sipped a friend's aperol spritz and thought, that's nice, maybe I'll get one, only to not get one because honestly the sip was all I needed. I went to a wedding and thought, maybe tonight's the night, but it wasn't. I don't feel like I am depriving myself, and if I really want a drink one day, I will have one. I just know that I feel better without it, and that it's completely unnecessary, for me. Luckily my friends have all been supportive, as they would be; I'm always a bit wary of people who seem to get personally offended if you choose not to drink. My choice is not a judgement of your choice, but if you feel personally attacked, it might be time to re-examine your relationship with alcohol.
Tbh the hardest part for me so far has been dating. That fear of seeming uptight crops up again, and I almost feel like I have to "break it to them" that I don't drink. Like a big womp womp or like it puts me into a certain category. But, it's also a helpful filter, because again their reaction tells me a lot. I know I don't want to be with someone who considers "drinking" an activity or spends their weekend nursing a hangover, but I have no problem hanging out in a bar from time to time, or being around people who are drinking. For me it's not an addiction, and therefore not a temptation I need to avoid; for others of course this may be different.
My friends know they are welcome to bring over a bottle of wine when they come hang at my place, and I'm happy to "get a drink" as it's part of being social and of course dating. So far I've found three types of guys: (1) The fellow non-drinker - rare, but it happens, and it's nice to have that in common. (2) The guy who gets me a seltzer without a flinch or even a question - thank you for not making me feel uptight, you're a mature person and you just earned some points. (3) And finally, the guy who seems shocked, confused, and perhaps a bit judged (or judgy) - I haven't actually gone out with any of these guys, they filter themselves out pretty easily.
I'm happy to say I've inspired others to quit or slow down on their drinking habits, not by judging, shaming, or even boasting about how great I feel. Simply by doing it, quietly, for myself. I don't miss it, and some of my closest friends haven’t even noticed that I quit (a fact I just learned when telling a friend what this week’s blog post would be about lol).
I notice, sometimes, when it feels like "time for a drink," what is really going on with me. Perhaps there is a feeling I am wanting to avoid, or a desire to relax and "clock out." So, even if you're not interested in or ready to quit drinking altogether, you could bring this mindfulness to it. What is going on when you reach for a drink? What is it you are hoping to feel, or to stop feeling? What are you associating with the experience of drinking? Can you stop judging yourself for the choices you are making, and either allow yourself to enjoy your drink, or skip it if it makes you feel like shit?
I hope this has been helpful - let me know any questions you have about my experience!
xo,
m.
