Sending everyone love as we continue to navigate the many challenges and moving parts that are early 2022. This week I wanted to highlight one of my BRIGHTEST bright spots: my apartment :)
If you've been following along on Instagram, you're probably already familiar with this gorgeous space. I'm happy to say I *finally* created a FULL before & after video, but I also wanted to talk a bit about the story of this apartment as it relates to manifestation, self-worth, and trusting the process.
Sorry this was filmed on and formatted for an iPhone screen…
You might know that I started the pandemic living in a different apartment altogether (which I also made over). After a difficult breakup (that seems redundant), I was lucky enough to have a place to land at my sister's. I took a few months there to regroup: it was fall of 2020, deep pandemic times, election approaching, and my personal financial future very uncertain. It was the time when pandemic financial assistance was on hold and not guaranteed to return, yoga studios were still closed, and we were staring down the barrel of our first full Covid winter. On the one hand, I knew I could stay at my sister's indefinitely, which was a huge relief (thanks, sis!). On the other hand, I wanted nothing more than my own space; I felt my life was on hold without it. I just had no idea how I would swing it, how any landlord would consider me a decent candidate for a lease, or if I'd even be able to stay in NYC.
Regardless, I made my manifestation list for my dream apartment and continued to plug on. I viewed a handful of crappy, tiny, overpriced apartments, which I couldn't even qualify for; I continued to wonder HOW the hell is this gonna happen? But like any good manifestation story - you never know the HOW. You just keep going.
It was my sister who pushed me to text our old landlord Harry, who we had a good relationship with. He called me back the next day. He had a 3-bedroom he said - but I don't need that many bedrooms, nor could I afford it - and then, in that moment, he recalled he had a 1-bedroom opening up at the end of the month. The tenants were still there, and it hadn't been listed yet. I could come over today to see it. Sis and I hopped on our bikes and headed back to our old hood, our old building, one floor up from our old apartment, to view this gem. It was a mess, but I can always see past a mess. It was the pre-renovation layout of our old apartment, which meant it was the same square footage as our 3-bedroom, but as a funky 1-bedroom with original hardwoods. My belly flipped while in there: is this my apartment? Am I really ready for this? Can I commit to this monthly payment?
It checked every box on my manifestation list except for one: proximity to Prospect Park. It was several hundred dollars less than anything else I'd looked at, and given my pre-existing relationship with the landlord I knew I was already "approved." I told Harry I'd think about it, and he implied he'd sort of hold it for me. But I was still pretty unsure, and even landed on 'no' a few days later. It wasn't until I was telling my two good friends about the apartment over lunch - I heard myself list it's qualities and saw their faces as I spoke - that I realized I had to take another look.
This was also the time I was learning about human design, so I set up another viewing with the intention of listening to my body (sacral authority) while in the space. It wasn't the clear, resounding YES I'd hoped for, but I got the feeling I'd be disappointed if someone else got it, and more than that I simply had to execute all the projects I could imagine here. So I took it. In the following weeks before I moved in, anxiety took hold. There was a nervousness about the financial side of it, sure, but what I realize now looking back is: I didn't think I deserved it.
I always like to think of anxiety as two versions of yourself fighting inside you. There was the part of me that knew I could get this apartment, and that I'd figure it out. I had enough for the first few months. Then there was the old, deeply-programmed part of me that wanted to stay safe, that wanted to play small. Needless to say, the former version won, as I signed the lease and started packing. Looking back now, I can't believe I ever doubted that this was my place.
I share this all to say: manifestation is not just about making lists and vision boards and repeating affirmations, but about what you believe about yourself deep down and the messages you are willing to send to the universe. In this case I heard the fear, and I moved forward anyway. I believed in myself, even though that other voice was LOUD and had a few good points.
I also share all these details as a reminder: you can't know the HOW. The way things fell together for me here could not have been planned or anticipated. So whether it's a dream apartment you're calling in, or a partner, or a job, or heck even a toaster oven, let go of the HOW. Let it surprise you. Follow the breadcrumbs. Know what your dealbreakers are, but let the rest of the details be movable. Reinforce your deservingness of that thing, and show the universe you mean business. Trust that if that thing hasn't arrived yet, you might not be ready for it. How can you get more ready??
I moved in knowing I'd be re-doing this apartment, but what I didn't anticipate was what a CRUCIAL part of my journey that would become. I've spent 15 months now painting, building, rearranging, purchasing, and tweaking, only to realize how ridiculous it is that I wasn't doing this professionally before. I needed this apartment to bring that out in me, to give me a place to show people what I can do, and to prove to myself not only can I do it, but this is something special about me.
I’ve always said that I’d eventually do interior design - I left it in that comfortable “someday” category - and this apartment put it right in my face, it demanded: NOW. But furthermore, every day that I sit in here, I am reminded of my power to manifest, as I’m surrounded by one of my greatest examples of it. This is important - can you think of an example of something you’ve called in? Doesn’t matter how big, look for reminders that it’s possible.
Whatever your dream is, know that you are on your way, that the building blocks are assembling themselves, that you must only keep moving forward, keep realizing your unique gifts, keep staying open to the signs and the opportunities that come your way. Sometimes, apparently, you need to move out of the building, live somewhere else entirely, randomly end up right back where you started, one floor up, only to realize what was under your nose the entire time… :)
xo,
m.
