First, I feel compelled to tell you: You are loved. You are worthy. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to have the things you want. Period.
This can be an uncomfortable message for some of us to receive. It's typically the people that think these kinds of sentiments are "cheesy" that need them the most. Let that sit for a minute.
Last week I spoke a little about self-love; this week I'd like to shift the focus to a similar-but-slightly-different concept: self-worth. While self-love is about that relationship we have with ourselves and the feeling of, well, love we have towards ourselves in the way we show up, self-worth has a bit more to do with feeling valued and deserving, just as we are. Like I said: similar, but different.
A lack of self-worth can show up in a failure to set boundaries for ourselves, a constant need to do/accomplish/achieve/give, people-pleasing, a fear of being selfish or unrealistic for wanting what we really want, and finally, an uneasiness and inability to go after, manifest, and claim those things for ourselves.
If you're like: shit, all that is me! Don't worry, you're not alone. I struggle with self-worth, as does just about everybody I know. But I do think it's the thing that stands between the people who just seem to have good things come to them, and those that don't. It takes a lot of work to build, especially if you're starting with an empty tank. Here's a few ways you can start now:
1. Say no to what doesn’t serve you. No is a complete sentence. Stray from your people-pleasing tendencies and say no without the elaborate explanation or apology. No.
2. Create boundaries. Building onto #1, boundaries help us stand up for ourselves when something doesn't sit right. This might look like: "I'm not okay with you calling me that," or, "I'm not available after 6pm," or, "dating apps make me feel like shit so I won't use them."
3. Stop placing your value in things like looks, money, and status. Don’t tie your worth to anything that can disappear or is outside yourself. YOU are inherently worthy as a human. Ask yourself: Who would you be without all the external factors? What makes you, YOU?
4. Highlight your positive attributes and be okay with your shortcomings - you can’t be the best at everything! I often have my clients write a "life resume," a document that encompasses all their experiences, lessons, and inherent skills & traits. You are a unique compilation of things, nobody else in this world has the exact formula that you do: that is your value.
5. Consider what you value in other people, and notice that you have it too. Especially if #4 feels difficult to you, consider the people you admire and what traits they have. Are you really in awe of the money in their bank account? Or is it the ambition and know-how that got them to where they are? Find people that inspire you, and connect the dots to see how you're not so different from those people at the core.
6. Stop seeking approval from others. I myself am a recovering approval- and opinion-seeker; I recommend taking a week off from asking others what they think, and learning to trust your gut. Do what YOU want to do, the world will adjust. You may need to revisit numbers 1 and 2 for this one.
7. Talk back to your inner critic. I have my clients name that voice in their head; typically it's the name of someone the find annoying (real or imagined). This helps separate us from the criticism, and we can quite frankly tell her to shut the f*ck up when she starts going off on how much we [didn't] get done that day or those few extra pounds you gained during a GLOBAL PANDEMIC. Chilllll, Agatha, that sounds like a you problem.
8. Surround yourself with positive people who point out your awesomeness. DUH. Consider that every person you spend your time with is like a drink: what are you drinking up? Is it nourishing, energizing, inspiring, relaxing or revitalizing? Or is it toxic, draining, giving you an upset belly and dimming your glow? Even if you "have" to be around the sludgy ones, can you protect yourself from ingesting so much?
9. Don’t settle. Need I say more? If I die and have one little phrase to leave with the world, this is it. YOLO, people. YOLO.
10. And because lists are better in tens, I'll leave you with this: know that you are doing your best. I read several years back that Brene Brown says to assume everyone we run into is just doing their best, and I found that so freeing in that anger and frustration is really just more toxic sludge WE drink, when really it's the other person doling it out. Extend that compassion to others and let yourself be free of that anger, BUT ALSO, extend that compassion to yourself as well. You are obviously doing your best. When you know better, you'll do better. Meet yourself where you are.
I always say to my clients that if we can look at a list of the things we want to be or do and say we're at least, in some small way, working towards each thing, that's really all we can ask of ourselves in each given moment.
If you feel a larger disparity between your list of things to be or do and your day-to-day life, I'd love to see how I can help! Book a free 30-min call to start drafting that roadmap.
xoxo,
m.
