I'm so happy to report that after my chiropractic breakthrough last week, my back is feeling WAY better. My week continued to be steeped in revelations and deep inner work, and I was happy to get out of the city for a few days over the weekend to let it all sink in. Today I want to tell you about a few opportunities I ran into to state my needs and hold firm to my boundaries, in the smallest and simplest of ways.
We often think of creating boundaries as hard conversations with loved ones, making big life-changing moves, or breaking an obvious pattern in our work or love life. But this weekend I noticed all the work I've been doing in this area really paying off in two "everyday" occasions - something as simple as going out to eat.
On Friday night I arrived in PA with my Mom. After a long day of driving we decided to go out to eat in a cute downtown area. She called ahead for reservations: they were able to guarantee an inside table, but we'd have to see when we got there if outside was available. When we arrived we agreed we'd rather sit outside, and the hostess said it would just be about 15 minutes. No prob. After about 5 minutes of waiting it looked like the sky was about to open up, so we asked the hostess if we could switch back to our inside reservation. She had since given up our original table, but found a different one in another area of the restaurant. As we were taken to this weird room that was kinda an in-between place, I felt it in my gut: I don't want to sit here. The acoustics were terrible (something I'm realizing I'm super sensitive to) and we were adjacent to the outdoor bar where people were loud and drinking and smoking - it just wasn't the vibe I had in mind for our evening out. The other folks in the room were boisterous as well, worsened by the rattling acoustics, and we were in a sort of thoroughfare where the waitresses would whip in and out.
Having already switched our reservation twice, I tried to settle in and not make a fuss. I could feel the grimace on my face and could hear the voice in my head trying to convince myself to stop being so high maintenance. I could hardly hear my Mom as we tried to decide what to order.
Finally, I stepped outside and sheepishly approached the hostess stand one more time - I asked if perhaps they had a table with an umbrella available outside after all. I searched her face for annoyance, but found none. Having been a hostess myself, I knew what a pain I was being and felt really grateful for how gracious she was. She said it would be a few minutes, so I sat back down and waited. Not five minutes later we were ushered to the perfect people-watching umbrella-covered table outside. My mom and I immediately felt better as we settled in, and the cherry on top was our new waitress - a cheery and kind older woman who seemed just thrilled to have us in her section (contrasting the disgruntled waitress in the inside room).
As little as a year ago I would have felt silly for even telling this story - so afraid of seeming like a spoiled and privileged girl who can't *possibly* be bothered to sit in a less than perfect seat for her Friday night out. But in this case I was not apologetic, and I didn't feel bad. I was kind to the hostess who was kind to me, and we tipped our server well. Both Mom and I were so glad we spoke up and got the table we really wanted in the end.
Just the very next day something similar happened. I went to visit with my former client Henry - our first time meeting in person! - and we had lunch near his office. It was this cool and trendy little deli but their menu was a bit limited. I've recently stopped eating gluten - among a few other things - and was having trouble figuring out what to get. I asked the girls behind the counter a few questions: they were out of this and didn't have that. It seemed it was going to be a challenge. Henry offered to go somewhere else but I really liked where we were and knew I could make it work. With the help of the folks that worked there we eventually turned a sandwich into a salad and I was totally thrilled with my meal. Henry and I sat outside and chatted while we ate, and I felt really proud of myself for sticking to my new boundaries with regards to my diet. An earlier version of myself would have completely caved and gotten the bread - or something else that would ultimately make me feel like shit - in an effort to be low maintenance and not too extra.
Once again the people working there were totally kind an accommodating, and didn't make me feel bad for wanting to meet my needs. I think so often we are afraid to speak up because we assume others are going to roll their eyes or make judgements about us. And maybe they do, but as I continue to flex this muscle I've noticed - they usually don't. And anyone who does is likely someone who struggles to create and uphold their own boundaries, thinking they can't do this or couldn't possibly ask for that. I used to be one of those people.
So if boundaries and asking for your needs to be met is also something new to you - remember it doesn't have to be something huge. You can start with these little everyday moments, noticing where you're likely to make concessions in an effort to keep the peace, or to not be judged.
How can you felt this muscle today?
xo.
